SEEING BIGHEAD

OK, Graham Poll is no more top of my Christmas card list than Jose Mourinho’s. And regular readers will know why. Also, my initial view of his autobiography, ‘Seeing Red’ was based on a Daily Mail serialisation, neither component of which suggests ‘perspective.’ And I recognise the need to review it objectively. Basing comment on the style of prose, not the ‘style’ of his hair. The use of language, not the over-use of yellow cards.

But it’s still rubbish.

Those who saw Poll’s video diary for BBC’s ‘Inside Sport’ will recognise the opening fifth of the book, which is exclusively about last season and little more than the ‘book of the film.’ Self-important and self-righteous throughout. Naturally, the serialisation concentrated on the sensational – Mourinho, Manchester and madmen (hello Messrs Warnock and Savage). But that’s the book too, until, on page 73 of 351, you get Poll “to start, briefly, with my parents.”

‘Seeing Red’ is far from the only book to magnify recent events at the expense of further-flung days, regardless of their respective importance. And Poll would surely argue that the spats with the stars get the punters into WH Smith in the first place. And he’d be right. To a point. But once in, the reader would surely enjoy tales of his Isthmian League days, especially as Poll declares them “probably my most enjoyable” before giving them four pages where last season gets four chapters. 

He also writes affectionately about family and wife Julia (“the old boys in the Isthmian League boardrooms loved the bubbly young blonde who came in for a drink with me after games”). But it’s only twelve pages before we’re in self-righteous mode again, with the self-explanatory chapter “Smiling at Warnock.”

Despite Warnock’s many faults, you’re in two minds when Poll states: “you must make up your own mind” at the chapter’s end. Poll’s main battleground is Sheffield United’s Cup semi-final defeat to Arsenal, where he obstructed Michael Tonge, allowing Arsenal to score the winner, then left the field at half-time, grinning broadly.

Warnock’s resultant “vein-popping frenzy” and post-match remarks were, for Poll, misconduct but the FA swept things “under the carpet” by taking a month to ask his view. Meanwhile, Poll’s ‘challenge’ on Tonge? “…like accidentally clashing (supermarket) trolleys…nobody’s fault…just one of those things…” …which other refs seem to avoid.
Warnock saying: “Poll was their best midfielder…for the goal” was probably ‘misconduct’ – but it was true. So, who was the villain? “Usually the crowd hoots with laughter,” Poll concludes. “Not this time.” No kidding.

Poll is informative on how referees’ lives have changed and developed since the advent of professionalism, particularly on the increasingly complex fitness regimes. And he makes pertinent observations on the increasing competition, not all of it healthy, among the new elite.

But, in a flash, it’s all about Poll again. The ‘Poll in booze shame’ newspaper story appears when an unidentified referee grasses on Poll after ‘incidents’ at a referee’s training camp. Poll deems apologies and paying cleaning bills sufficient penance. Yet Poll was “blotto…and ill.” And Uriah Rennie had to carry him to the hotel where: “I was sick in reception and along one of the corridors and in a bucket beside my bed throughout the night.” Still, “It didn’t damage my standing with footballers” – Roy Keane, Phil Neville and…Wayne Rooney being impressed. So that’s alright, then.

The ‘grass’ with “inside knowledge” is Poll’s villain this time. If claims about the alcohol quantity imbibed were true, Poll retorts, “I’d have needed an ambulance” as if pebble-dashing a half a hotel with the contents of his own stomach wasn’t the real issue. When the newspaper asked: “Is this the type of person we want representing us” at the World Cup, right-minded people would just say “no!”

Handy, then, that Poll prevented World War Three at Highbury in 2005. Arsenal/Manchester United – the ‘unrefereeable’ game. “Both (sides) wanted me to take charge,” he unsurprisingly remembers. He gives a flavour of the pre-match mind games the teams were (are) famed for – another reminder of the good writer lurking beneath the ego. But adds: “Sir Alex let me know in three, chilling words what he expected…” And these three boot-quakers? “Good luck tonight.” Looked Poll “in the eyes” too. Poll did well to reach the centre-circle. 

And his magic peace formula? “I awarded six free-kicks in the opening two minutes.” So, were there six infringements or was Poll deliberately making bad decisions to teach the teams a lesson?…no, perish THAT thought. Which is how: “Immodest or not, it worked. The ‘unrefereeable’ game was an absolute epic.” And nothing to do with two top teams playing to stay in the title race.

The mitigation for THOSE three yellow cards is stronger than even Poll admits – many (most?) English referees could have done the same. But the affair lays waste to another fifth of the book – a diary section offering some unedifying xenophobic humour but little further insight.

Poll’s poor self-awareness is well brought out by the book – not a compliment. Too much is lost amid the bravado of his own accounts (he did referee that Highbury game quite well, for instance). And other referees make high-profile, glaring errors (which I write as Mike Riley turns down blatant Wigan penalty number 94 against Sunderland). They don’t feel the need to write about it. If Poll doesn’t want to “court controversy”, as collaborating journalist Mick Dennis claims, why write the book at all? His valid criticisms of the FA’s treatment of referees could as easily appear in his newspaper column.
I read some of Ashley Cole’s autobiography to remind me that there are far worse football books. But a quick flick through Adrian Chiles’ new tome reminded me that there are far better ones too.

‘Seeing Red’ is a flawed, annoying book from a flawed, annoying referee. If it wasn’t about Poll you wouldn’t even think of buying it. That it is about Poll is no reason to do so.

‘MotorMurph’ is written by Mark Murph

Entry Filed under: MotorMurph Column

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