AGENTS OF ABSOLUTE BLOODY FORTUNES

Remember Eric Hall? Cigars, cigar-shaped eyebrows. Said “monster” lots. Still the personification of football agents, years after his management company went bust. For a group of people in public relations, they’re a PR disaster. What do they DO, apart from dodgily make obscene money?

They’ve been around since, surprise, there’s been money in football, initially pre-dating club scouting systems, sometimes building whole teams (what goes around…Pini Zahavi for Abramovich and Jerome Anderson for Sven have apparently done similar). With maximum wages and ‘retain-and-transfer’, scope for earning from players was limited to deals like Denis Compton’s iconic Brylcreem ads – agent Bagenal Harvey’s work. As a kid, I’d heard of Italy’s Gigi Peronance. But even he worked for clubs.

That agents are now mostly players’ reps shows the balance of power between workers and employers has shifted markedly in the right direction. Agents have provided humour to an industry which needs it. When Tottenham signed Helder Postiga, his agent dubiously declared: “When he was ten he dreamt of playing for them.” Disturbed child. When Helder was ten, Tottenham were throwing ludicrous money at sub-standard Europeans and…ah…

But things have gone too far. Alan Sugar’s famous “Cloughie likes a bung” kick-started a murky chapter in agents’ history. And Tom Bower’s book ‘Broken Dreams’ abounds with references to sprees of “transfers which did not always appear to benefit” clubs. Bower’s book is revealing, what’s between its lines more so.

Carlos Queiroz owes his fame to Sir Alex’s boycott of the BBC after ‘Panorama’ highlighted Elite Agency’s work (prop: Jason Ferguson) at…Manchester United, in not necessarily a favourable light. We also discovered Sammy Lee’s scouse accent was broader than him after Sam Allardyce’s Beeb boycott (make the most of that, the way Bolton are playing).

Most organised was Proactive Management, representing managers and players - often in the same deal; often involving managers who, incidentally, held thousands of Proactive shares. This breached many FA’s regulations – e.g. Denmark’s. But FIFA, in time-honoured fashion, gave approval, agents claiming that transfer deals and contract talks were separate. One remarkable consequence – Proactive CEO Paul Stretford’s £1.5m for his ‘part’ in Rooney’s move to Old Trafford, which would have happened regardless.

Middlesbrough chairman Steve Gibson was less ‘proactive.’ “We agreed a fee with Fulham (for Sean Davis)…we were prepared to offer Davis’s package but weren’t allowed because Proactive wanted £700,000 to facilitate the deal. We weren’t prepared to pay that.” Davis later went to Portsmouth (manager: Harry Redknapp).

Gibson concluded: “Representing a footballer wanted by three or four clubs isn’t difficult. It requires a car salesman not a finance director…agents are Arthur Daleys not Einsteins.” Wooh.

Simon Jordan, Crystal Palace chairman, concurred. Ish. What he said was: “Agents (are) an evil curse on football. They are duplicitous parasites.” What he did was buy shares in football agency First Artist. “A personal investment” said Jordan. Weird.

Fuelling wage and transfer inflation is agents’ biggest ‘crime.’ In 2003, Charlton chairman Richard Murray said: “Destabilising activities of some agents serve to fuel both.” A player not looking for a move or a pay rise isn’t an earner. Agents earn from such deals’ percentages (agent Athole Still justifies huge commissions on this doubtful basis). Thus they are inspired for the good of agents’ bank balances, not ‘the game’ – a familiar union argument against Performance-Related Pay.

But in football, like life, unions aren’t given proper attention, even when part of a potential solution. In 1995, then-PFA chair Pat Nevin bemoaned: “So many (agents) take huge cuts for a limited amount of work. The PFA provides its own service for cost” (‘Football Focus’ featured their work for James Milner). However: “When FIFA were deciding who could be come agents, unions initially weren’t on their list.”

The attitude remains: Lord Stevens’ report said: “Whilst we understand the PFA’s evolution as advisers to players, we don’t believe it should be remunerated by players for its role in transfers.” Even “for cost”? “It should not act as players’ agents” in transfers, merely “educate and advise” on “their dealings with clubs.” Or, as Sir John Hall said, the PFA “has their place” but “let unions dictate and you have anarchy, history taught us that.” Missed that lesson.

Stevens claimed: “regulation should focus on the problem” adding the Premier League’s catch-all excuse for everything: “Increased regulation…should not put the Premier League at any…competitive disadvantage…to other European clubs.” Quite how allowing the PFA to act as agents “at cost” would be competitively disadvantageous compared to European clubs - when the “problem” to “focus” on is agents’ exorbitant costs – isn’t explained. Indeed, isn’t the opposite true? Almost as if Stevens was parroting some irrelevant anti-union line, which only a rabid Tory would…oh…

Agents have their own ‘union’ – organised workforces are unimpeachably valuable when politics isn’t involved. And the Association of Football Agents (AFA) appears whenever the FA ‘tackles’ agents. Last year, AFA chairman Mel Stein attacked the FA’s proposed rule-changes – including outlawing the double-dealing Proactive excelled at. “The FA wants to drive agents out of the game” he cried, neglecting to say why this was bad. “The balance between agents, players, clubs and the FA has worked”, neglecting to say who the ‘balance’ has worked for.

Why Stein is concerned about these regulations isn’t obvious (again). Stein’s role, in the agents’ horror shows involving him, has usually been victim – agents like Dennis Roach and Jason Ferguson wouldn’t be his dinner-party guests.

Incidentally, the Football League publishes agents’ payments, club-by-club. Agents’ payments dropped by 25 per cent last season. The Premier League refused to follow suit. Just so you know.

Obvious problems, obvious solutions. But obvious vested interests (including journalists whose close-season columns are filled with transfer speculation from…agents) and an FA reluctant to regulate and enforce. PFA slurs aside, Stevens’ recommendations made sense. They work elsewhere - in that bastion of capitalism, America, agents act solely for players. And if all recommended regulations had been enforced down the years, there might have been no need for ‘Stevens’ at all. Surely a good thing?

FOLLOW-UP:
In this column six weeks ago were the words:

“What decides matters at Arsenal…may be small investors…Investment funds like Landsdowne Partners will be swayed by rising share-prices.”

This week, they were – selling their shares to Uzbeki businessman Alisher Usmanov for approximately, gulp, £20m, reportedly £2,000 per share above even their increasing market value.

“THE RIGHT RESULT” MORE GENUINE SCOOPS THAN HARRY HARRIS?

AND FINALLY:

Even the most insignificant football writers are contractually obliged to mention Mourinho this week. And as I’m not far off the top of that list…

I don’t understand the fuss, frankly. Chelsea need to be more entertaining? “What do they want. Pirouettes? Gags??” asked self-confessed football ignoramus Jo Goode on BBC Radio London. AND they still have Abramovich’s reputably-earned fortune (no, I don’t know why he doesn’t want to go to Russia on holidays, either) and in-depth knowledge of football team building. Peter Kenyon’s level-headed perspective on the football planet (I’ll reserve judgement on which planet). The wit and wisdom of Ashley Cole (what blank page?). The refereeing skills of John Terry. And their morale officers, Andriy Shevchenko and Michael Ballack. I don’t understand the fuss, frankly.

As for the special-needs one, I’m not convinced by this “too young for the Portugal job” malarkey. For one thing, he isn’t too young. And with Scolari’s descent into madness fuelled by Portugal’s addiction to conceding comedy late goals – which have made British Eurosport worth watching on their own in recent months – the job’s waiting. Not necessarily a good thing in the accepted sense, but you can bet Jose would have landed that punch on Serbian Ivica Dragutinovic the other week.

As for the team itself, their customary good fortune at Old Trafford should have seen them through by the time you read this…sorry, what happened? Otherwise: DKDCDGAF (have a guess).

‘MotorMurph’ is written by Mark Murphy

Entry Filed under: MotorMurph Column

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