THE LESSER-SPOTTED LAMPARD AND FORTY SHADES OF GREY

One pertinent comment during the brief debate on Steve McClaren’s future was an accidental juxtaposition in the Independent – ‘GO’ above feature writer James Lawton’s picture.

‘GO’ was, of course, Lawton’s view, based largely on McClaren picking Beckham. “It didn’t happen to Bobby Moore” wrote Lawton of Beckham’s apparently stage-managed approach to 100 caps. “He didn’t finish on a number. He played to his limits and walked away.” Which, as an over-the-hill Moore played until surpassing Bobby Charlton’s cap-total, was garbage. McClaren made no worse mistake than that. And it’s hard to know who’s worse off, England’s team or its press.

Lawton also contrasted England’s qualifying group with Scotland’s Mexico ’86 ‘group of certain death’, conjuring memories of Scotland’s encounters with Uruguay and West Germany. Plus one with Mexico rendered less memorable by never happening. “Abject humiliation” over-stated Jeff Powell in Thursday’s Mail. But McClaren never got the opposition wrong.

Powell appeared to undergo a Damascene conversion over whether foreigners should coach England. But far from rescinding his little-Englander bigotry, he produced more. Foreigners are now good enough because England, a “second-world football nation”, aren’t.

In fairness, England’s football press has evolved since Poland knocked them out of the 1974 World Cup, after “behind the Iron Curtain” stereotypes and talk of “slinging dissenting managers into labour camps (Sunday People). Even a contemporary critic of such thinking wrote of: “a socialist country where the law of the jungle doesn’t prevail…when a snarling animal charges at them, they can’t deal with it.” Yet, when Alan Clarke charged at them at Wembley, they coped.

There were hints of this in recent coverage. Insisting that 0-0 in Tel Aviv was disastrous made Russia’s loss…well…what exactly? Attaching relevance to Croatia being “independent for only a decade and a half” was equally disingenuous. And England’s defeat against “dazzlingly brilliant” football was also “pathetic betrayal.” One or the other, surely?

The truths, as per, were proverbial ‘shades of grey’ which dominated McClaren’s reign but “do not make good copy.” McClaren’s injury-list would have bested Ramsey (imagine 1966 without Moore and Jack Charlton). But without them, McClaren wouldn’t have introduced Garth Barry and got his team’s balance right, just as Geoff Hurst wouldn’t have scored his two legitimate goals in 1966’s final.

Only the Times’ Martin Samuel admitted England’s group was moderately difficult, Croatia/Russia being neither Italy/France nor Greece/Turkey (whither England 4 Greece 0 – McClaren’s debut – now Greece have qualified?). The Mirror’s Oliver Holt claimed Croatia’s and Russia’s weekend displays “shattered the myth that Group E was a group of death” – a myth hitherto unknown. Neither will be quarter-finalists. Russia won’t win a game.

Fans behaved better, until booing Croatia’s anthem. Pleas to avoid “bestial nationalistic bombast” were rich coming from Powell when those words could sit alongside “occupation:” on his passport. But Powell wasn’t alone in misreading the fans’ mood. One national paper withdrew a readers’ poll designed for “McClaren out” headlines when voters eschewed such knee-jerkism. The Mail’s Des Kelly gloated on BBC’s ‘Inside Sport’ so his paper wasn’t guilty, because Kelly wouldn’t be that stup…erm…

The refreshing attitude prevailed in the pub where I watched the match. Especially when some dubiously self-proclaimed bird-watchers announced a rare sighting of the “lesser-spotted Lampard” just after half-time. No “abject humiliation here, just heartfelt but even-tempered disappointment, which made other press contributions more distasteful.

The Mail sub-editor writing “Wally with the brolly” may have impressed colleagues. But my mum, not prone to footballing comment, rightly said: “that’s nasty.” And sacked Mirror editor Piers Morgan called Scott Carson “a dim-witted village idiot” without, I’m confident, having met him. That’s like me calling Morgan a c**t…except I’d be right.

A topsy-turvy ten days ruined everyone’s forecasts, including my three draws prediction – equalling Arsene Wenger’s resounding 0% success rate (“England will top group”). But the Times won again. Not only Samuel: “Croatia…will have done the necessary against Macedonia.” But also the Sunday Times’ “What now for England?” advert for Monday’s coverage, including Gabriele Marcotti’s “look at how Euro 2008 is shaping up without England”, which assumed Russian success in Tel Aviv.

One hopes the design department ran the wrong ad (with different versions pre-prepared for every eventuality). But, regardless, my “Israel/Russia has one-all written all over it” alongside “told you” when Dmitri Sychev hit the post paled in comparison.

As I write, the only certainty about McClaren’s successor is that they’ll have already said ‘no.’ The only person volunteering to help is…McClaren. And why would the FA want someone whose side barely beat Andorra and couldn’t beat Israel…what…that was Guus Hiddink? Oh.

Until Wednesday, however, there was logic to retaining McClaren. Anybody taking over would want a settled, balanced, in-form team – which McClaren provided – Moscow notwithstanding, which even Lawton agreed “wasn’t without merit.”

Alas, after (God what was) that last Wednesday, McClaren’s staunchest supporters, me and Graham Taylor, had to withdraw. (Taylor’s superficially reasoned Telegraph comment was: “McClaren signed a four-year contract with no non-qualification get-out clause so if England don’t qualify, the FA shouldn’t bow to pressure to sack him…the easy path…leads you nowhere so why take it now?” No doubt suffixed by an unwritten: “that’s how they should have treated me”).

And McClaren’s pay-off wasn’t ‘news.’ His contract was broken. And who would resign, however honourably, if it cost them £2.5m. Not the journos who got front-pages from their non-stories, I’ll bet.

Naturally: “The Express set the agenda…revealing that Alan Shearer was ready to answer the call…alongside Stuart Pearce.” Yes, who better than two of…the last England squad to miss out on a major tournament? If I said Harry Harris wrote this, would you need a lie-down? Thought not. To coin a paraphrase: “If Shearer’s the answer, the question needs re-phrasing.”

But whoever takes over will be hamstrung. Foreign-player quotas aren’t even Sepp Blatter’s best idea. The logjam of English talent exists because few are educated or mature enough to succeed ‘abroad’ (the bit of the world that’s not England), not because loads are coming in. And that’s hardly football’s problem.

‘MotorMurph’ is written by Mark Murphy

Entry Filed under: MotorMurph Column

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