THE ALL-NEW GOON SHOW

In 2003, Caroline Dunn e-mailed for help with an article on my club, Kingstonian, then in crisis. I now know that alongside her club Luton, chronicling Kingstonian’s woes was therapy. Meanwhile, in 1999, John Earls wrote: “we’ll have no trouble selling the film rights.”

Now there’s enough material for a Star Wars-sized epic. And not a ‘Phantom Menace’ among them.

My earliest Luton memories were shirts – garish orange even on black-&-white TV - and chairman David Evans – a rabid right-winger even for Thatcher’s Tories, whose apartheid views (in favour, generally) must have made him uncomfortable watching Ricky Hill and Brian Stein. Hopefully.

There’s barely room to mention away-fan bans or plastic pitches. So, younger fans will recall instead a Littlewoods Cup final against Arsenal, with Gus Caesar in defence…ergo 3-2 to Luton. More indicative of the future was a 4-1 Simod Cup capitulation to Reading…and this is where the story really starts (copyright: The Goon Show)…

Before American billionaires grabbed the mantle, property developers were football’s Satans. And after taking over in 1990, David Kohler revealed plans to re-locate Luton to an unspecified green-field site, began a trend of squandering transfer profits on arrival (£4m WAS a lot of money in those days) and over saw two relegations in five seasons.

Fans’ protests were labelled anti-Semitic mobs by Kohler-friendly journalists, surprising those protesting. But their anger couldn’t be genuinely discredited. And Kohler’s reign became defined by the…’Kohlerdome’ – a-state-of-the-art vanity project (retractable roof, moveable pitch, secret underground HQ…which one did I invent?) based near the M1, mooted in 1994 and denied planning permission in 1998 (Kohler famously bursting into tears on radio that night).

Kohler was forced out in 1999, Luton entering administration for not the last time. Fans’ vitriol had increased proportionally with increasing club debts, despite continuing sales of top players (Hartson, Upson). Although the final straw, a petrol-bomb in Kohler’s letterbox, was rightly universally condemned. And only at the last minute could director Cliff Bennett guarantee Luton’s future.

Reprieved, Luton amazingly beat Kingstonian in the Cup (er…) and avoided relegation. Ex-director Mark Watson-Challis took over in May 2000, firing managers at Mandaric-speed before settling on ex-Wimbledon boss Joe Kinnear, who couldn’t avoid the drop in 2001 but repaired the damage in 2002, and kept them in the new Division Two…and this is where the story really starts.

Watson-Challis owned land near M1’s junction 10 (remember the name). And when he retired to life-presidency in 2003, he sold club and land to a mystery consortium that sacked Kinnear and assistant Ray Harford (a popular Luton ex-player) within three days. This, they claimed, was done by Peter Miller “on a brief visit from Northampton Town.” Breathtaking language, especially for an… OFFICIAL…CLUB…STATEMENT.

Miller was briefly a consortium consultant before becoming Northampton’s commercial director and had “taken it upon himself” to sack the pair and, it emerged, interview Terry Fenwick for the managerial vacancy. This would have enraged card-carrying pacifists, let alone Luton’s highly-politicised fan-base.

The consortium had chosen Roger Terrell and ex-footballer Lee Power (currently Cambridge United chairman) as chairman and vice-chairman. But Terrell barely had time to condemn Kinnear’s £420,000 salary before both scarpered after one protest-clad board meeting. After which Caroline Dunn memorably wrote: “Unless they resurrect Eric Morecambe as coach, the new owners won’t be forgiven.” What followed was scarcely dowsed in realism by comparison…and this is where the story really starts.

‘Supporters’ were to elect the new manager in a poll so gerrymandered that Londonderry council in the 1960s would have blanched. And the result suggested a large turnout in Watford. Luton ex-player Mike Newell – the consortium’s favourite (trans: the cheapest) ‘won’ – Kinnear’s initial 85% poll support disappearing faster than any transfer profits.

Experienced and furious, fans’ campaigned expertly to ‘out’ consortium leader, Bedford Rugby Club’s ex-owner John Gurney. And Gurney’s exposure must have discombobulated him. Or were these always his plans? London Luton FC? A 75,000-seater stadium with a Grand Prix circuit?? Oh…and considering a merger with the new Milton Keynes franchise.

The Football League weren’t happy with the (lack of) information coming from Gurney and the property company he was linked with, Melodious Corporation. Fans boycotted season-ticket and merchandise purchases and bought control of Hatters Holdings, a dormant company owed millions by Luton. They called in the debt. Gurney couldn’t pay. And the appointed administrative receiver, Barry Ward, allowed a sale to a consortium led by ex-general manager Bill Tomlins, dismissing legal proceedings from Gurney.

Despite reservations about his appointment, Newell won over fans by winning what was now League One. However, losses continued to outstrip considerable transfer profits and titles were easier obtained than new stadia – new plans foundering after “18 months’ negotiations with (Watson-Challis’s) Stockwood Park Property Holdings”…and this is where the story really starts.

Current chairman David Pinkney claimed Junction 10 was: “no longer viable…for reasons we cannot discuss publicly.” Stockwood counter-claimed: “Based on information we (cannot) divulge, Mr. Pinkney appears precluded from considering any site other than Junction 12” adding that Watson-Challis “remains determined to honour promises to submit a planning application for a new stadium on land at Junction 10 early in 2008.”

Attention, though, has focused on £9m transfer profits translating into £2m-a-year losses, prompting Newell’s March 2007 outburst about Luton needing “investigating.” Newell was sacked for this “gross misconduct” and the board revealed his contractual entitlement to 10% of transfer fees received, perceived as cover for the board’s gross financial misconduct. Meanwhile, fans’ question “Where’s the money gone?” remained pertinent…and unanswered.

Highlighting illegal payments via Luton’s holding company Jayten (J10) may also show the FA’s current inability to tackle corruption at football’s highest level. Their “extensive investigations since March” have revealed nothing Tomlins didn’t resign over in April…and tell Sportsmail in May (Newcastle were guilty of worse – but that’s news to some of you, isn’t it?). And Luton completed their administration hat-trick because of Newell’s unfair dismissal claim.

Current administrator Brendan Guilfoyle wants buy-out proposals this month (Kinnear’s ‘people’ reportedly interested). Is this where the story really starts?

‘MotorMurph’ is written by Mark Murphy

Entry Filed under: MotorMurph Column

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