’20 YEARS LATE BUT STILL WELCOME’ RETIREMENT AWARD: GRAHAM POLL Would have pipped John Terry to the referees’ award BY retiring. Now disappeared from public view, Poll’s forays into park refereeing (his natural level) only get double-page spreads in the nationals – his no-publicity pleas only ONE page. And the game suffers from his absence…how?

‘MAKE RUGBY LOOK GOOD’ OVER-HYPE AWARD: THE CARLING CUP FINAL ‘BRAWL’ Some players got angry. None got hurt – bar Wayne ‘Chelsea got the three points’ Bridge’s clearly damaging whack on the head. A non-event. Journalism’s equivalent, the Telegraph’s Sue Mott compared this “disfigurement” to rugby’s “heroic nobility” – a day after an Italian rugby player’s STAMP on a Scots opponent’s HEAD was criticised merely for costing Italy a simple penalty-kick. Stinking hypocrisy.

‘ENGLISH IS BEST, EVEN WHEN PORTUGUESE’ FALLACY AWARD: CRISTIANO RONALDO IS THE WORLD’S BEST FOOTBALLER Sometimes, you can believe it – even when he does that trailing leg thing…wotsitcalled?…oh yes…’cheating.’ But how many Ronaldo cheerleaders watch Serie A (Kaka) or La Liga (Messi) regularly? Or is the formula: “Ronaldo is the Premier League’s best, the Premier League is the world’s best, ergo…? Those supposedly in the know plump for Kaka. Yet, in a debate over a Portuguese and two South Americans, we still go for the ‘Englishman.’

‘CHRISTINE OHURUOGU’ NOT A CHEAT AWARD: WEST HAM UNITED No-one denies West ham’s cheating, bar the odious Richard Scudamore. But only subsequently has their proper punishment emerged. They – not Sheffield United – should have had Bryan Robson as manager. London derbies against Crystal Palace (Leyton Orient?) would have beckoned soon enough.

‘MICHAEL KNIGHTON’ IN OVER YOUR HEAD AWARD: TOM HICKS AND GEORGE GILLETT JUNIOR After breaking every promise they made to Liverpool fans, Anfield’s Statler and Waldorf could only embarrass themselves more by juggling a football towards the Kop like Knighton did towards the Stretford End before his abortive 1989 Man Yoo takeover. Hicks and Gillett CAN pay for their promises. They just won’t. Of all the multi-millionaire owners, only Mohamed Fayed has put ‘his’ money into ‘his’ club (ignoring Thaksin’s murky finances). And if Fayed is a group’s most reputable member…

‘MARK LAWRENSON’S’ BEST PUB TEAM AWARD: (NO, NOT ENGLAND) THE DOG AND DUCK Lawro’s faux working-class description of all poor sides (centre-forward ‘Crikey O’Reilly’), Estonia ad nauseum – tactical analysis and, y’know, information clearly beyond the northern git (Irish? Ha!). Losing 3-0 at Wembley was a cracking result, then. Didn’t look so good after the Croatia game, though.

‘CELTIC AVOID RANGERS’ NOT AT ALL FIXED CUP DRAW AWARD: THE CARLING CUP QUARTERS AND SEMIS Four north-western quarter-finalists, four London. Yet no derby drawn out until the twice-as-lucrative two-legged semis. Funny, that. Was it just me assuming the two draws were done together and assuming Arsenal would play Spurs after Blackburn were beaten? Even Spoony on Radio Five Live had to feign surprise when the semi-final draw was ‘announced’ the following day.

‘ARSENE WENGER’ BAD MANNERS AWARD: THE DAVIDS: GOLD AND SULLIVAN There’s something inherently dislikeable about Birmingham’s major boardroom players. Sullivan’s porn. Gold’s sneering, smug rich-bastardness. Carson Yeung, potential bidder for the club, has a football history which doesn’t lend itself to affection, either - his Steve Bruce treatment typically reprehensible. But when Yeung offered a congratulatory hand after one Birmingham home win, they couldn’t even summon the good grace to shake it. Pathetic.

‘STEVE McCLAREN’ INAPPROPRIATE APPOINTMENT AWARD: JEROME VALCKE AS FIFA GENERAL SECRETARY Valcke was ousted as FIFA’s marketing chief after his lies to clients cost them $145m. His punishment? World football’s second-most powerful job. What had Valcke done for boss, FIFA President Joseph Blatter? Did he have the proverbial negatives?? The latter, apparently. Letters have ‘emerged’ about Valcke’s threats to damage ‘individuals at FIFA’ with inside knowledge he’d gleaned from involvement with the organisation in 2001. Check press for details…and you’ll be disappointed. Not with a World Cup bid on.

‘JOEY BARTON’ WHY KEEP DOING IT? AWARD: EVERY ASHLEY COLE IQ-A-LIKE TACKLER USING OPPONENTS’ LEGS AS A LONG-JUMP PIT Two-footed tackles are premeditated and brainless. In the 1970s professional fouls became automatic sendings-off. And, after a spate of dismissals, players learnt their lesson. Players evidently learn slower these days.

‘SAMMY LEE’ OUT-OF-HIS-DEPTH AS MANAGER AWARD: SAMMY LEE…out of his depth as Bolton manager.

‘DONE BY WORK-EXPERIENCE GUY UN-INTERESTED IN FOOTBALL’ RESEARCH AWARD: EUROSPORT…who were stuck for comment when Tottenham drew Slavia in the UEFA Cup. If only Tottenham had played them in last year’s competition…

‘ALAN GREEN’ FOOTBALL’S A GREAT GAME, DESPITE… AWARD: JOINTLY TO: BATES, BLATTER, HAMMAM, REDKNAPP, ALLARDYCE, KEITH HASLAM (see next week’s column) AND MANY, MANY MORE for whom, hopefully, chickens will come home to roost in 2008.

BTW: David Pleat? It’s Paschal ChimboNDA, not Chimbomba.

Happy New Year!

Entry Filed under: MotorMurph Column