KEN BATES HA HA HA

It was no surprise that Ken Bates was scathing of the Independent Arbitration Tribunal that last week systematically dismantled his arguments against the Football League’s fifteen-point “condition” on Leeds’ League One membership. The tribunal were scathing too. “No authority to act”; “Misconceived proceedings”; “No credible explanation nor convincing excuse for their unreasonable delay” said the report. Unfortunately for Bates, these comments referred to Leeds, not the League.

Little wonder he’s been so bullish, if misguided. His status as the biggest w***** in English football is coming under domestic (John Batchelor, Keith Haslam, Rupert Lowe, Richard Scudamore) and overseas (Tom Hicks, Thaksin Shinawatra) threat. Calls for the resignations of League chairman Lord Mawhinney and his board for “totally disgraceful” behaviour are contemptible, even by Bates’ gutter standards. But these guys have set new standards.

Bates continually railed against Leeds ‘double’ punishment for entering administration last season, as soon as relegation to League One was otherwise assured, publishing his ludicrous ‘real’ League One table in the programme, with Leeds’ points deduction airbrushed in true Stalinist-manner. Even in response to the tribunal’s “unequivocal support” of the League, Bates was claiming “moral victory” – a first, surely, and a last, surely.

Bates claimed: “We have been penalised…for adhering to the League’s policy of paying all football creditors”; “the FA dragged their feet, we asked for arbitration for six months”; “the League admitted (we) did nothing wrong”; “we lost on a technicality”; “all the financial failures were down to previous administrations” and “my wife said: ‘we lost the battle but won the war.’”

In order, those statements are: untrue, untrue, laughably untrue, preposterously untrue, untrue (if Leeds accounts to June 2006, the only ones before administration, are to be believed) and…well, his wife’s probably biased (and her career as a military strategist should be put on hold). But even she must sometimes think: “Ooooh, Ken, not sure about that.” She’d certainly not read the tribunal’s report.

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FAR TOO LONG, FAR TOO LAX

As an attention-grabber, it was tops. “Liverpool to be scrutinised by the Government” screamed the headline, bringing visions to mind of Tom Hicks’ breakfast cereal flying to all parts if he read it.

In announcing the altogether dryer prospect of an ‘All-Party Parliamentary Football Group’ (APFG) inquiry into football’s corporate governance last week, chair Alan Keen mentioned “case studies in governance” (zzz) but woke everyone up with “…including Liverpool FC.” Never mind that Liverpool is being personality-driven into the ditch and that its board structure is neither unusual nor, with Hicks in-built minority, all bad.

Actually, few headlines screamed. And without the Liverpool reference, the “new look at corporate governance structures” would barely have made the ‘news-in-briefs’ next to the Rugby League in southern editions.

It’s a “new look” because the APFG has been down this road before. And got lost. In 2003, they began a nine-month investigation which produced a “comprehensive” report – ‘Football and its Finances”, published on February 11 2004 and…rubbished by its major targets on February 12. “There has been slow, or no, progress on the majority of the group’s recommendations” lamented Keen last week. Hence the new inquiry.

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YER ACTUAL FOOTBALL

Like Muttiah Muralitharan, you could spin it both ways. The Premier League’s (PL) top-four is the same old, same old. And it’s Liverpool/Chelsea in the Champions League semi again. But there’s a prospect of three of them winning fewer trophies than Milton Keynes (let’s drop the ‘Dons’, it’s a nonsense). Two certainly will.

Barcelona have to hold Ronaldo, Rooney and Tevez for maybe two hours. And “have to score at Old Trafford…and not many teams have done that” said SKY’s Alan Parry, his confidence borne of forgetting his impartiality. But Derby did.

Meanwhile, crucially, the Liverpool/Chelsea second-leg is at Stamford Bridge for the first time – a more vital factor than bullet-headers from unfeasibly-ginger Norwegians. Roman might return to Russia. Let’s hope his financial ‘history’ doesn’t keep him there for questioning.

Another nil-nil, at Chelsea, and the title was Man Yoo’s. Two months after “a nil-nil at Old Trafford and the title’s Arsenal’s.” Many claim Arsenal never recovered from Eduardo’s injury. But they did on the day. Composure restored by the half-time team-talk, they were two-one up, inches from a third and denied a clearer penalty than the one they conceded. Had they got a third, none of it – Clichy, Gallas, Middlesbrough – would have either mattered or happened and Arsenal would have been still in it.

If it goes to the last day and Man Yoo need to win at Wigan, they shouldn’t fail like at West Ham in 1995. Steve Bruce doesn’t have revenge to exact on Ferguson, unlike, say, Roy Keane. So Wigan won’t hold them. Pressure might.

No need for split-screen TV coverage of the PL’s relegation dogfight. One hopes the blue half of Birmingham will be bluer still, because of the greasy David Gold and the squalid David Sullivan. Then we’ll be spared Gold’s pontificating on the England team’s problems (“not the PL’s responsibility”) and the ‘39^th game’ (“like a cup competition…you pull your ball out and hopefully get the team you want”). It’ll mean the supremely untalented Gary Megson getting unwarranted plaudits for rescuing Bolton from Sammy Lee’s experiment in, well, football. But hey-ho.

SKY must have long-known Portsmouth/Blackburn was Inter-Toto Cup play-off material but even they haven’t been naff enough to advertise it as such. Portsmouth have apparently done wonders to be near European football, given where they were in 2006. Guff. Redknapp did wonders to avoid relegation in 2006. But he’s spent millions on transfers to finish in a mid-table so bad West ham are in it. Worth losses of £23m? Maybe to Redknapp…somehow.

If the PL’s mid-table is ordinary, the Championship is extra ordinary. It’s been this close many times (although for a congested relegation battle, see the Unibond Premier). This excitement is translated as mediocrity by TV companies…who don’t have the broadcast rights. This year, they’re right.

Forget Barnsley’s Cup, remember Sheffield United’s, ghastly under Bryan Robson – whack it towards James Beattie and hope, against hope. Watford seem to have only won twice since Graham Taylor left, yet can’t leave the play-off places. Their tactics haven’t changed since ITV4’s ‘Big Match Revisited’ era. And Darius Henderson is no Ross Jenkins, let alone Luther Blissett.

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CHERRY RED

There was me thinking Bournemouth’s tale would have a happy ending or at least an ending in sight. Alongside Mansfield and Southampton, Bournemouth’s woes were almost romantic. The team’s remarkable win at Champions-elect Swansea, one-nil down with NO minutes left, suggested another Easter resurrection, their relegation nowhere as assured as when they entered administration and were deducted ten points. AND Harry Redknapp said he’d save them. What could go wrong? Well…

AFC Bournemouth and Boscombe Athletic (bet their scarves are warm, with that to fit on) are war veterans in financial-troubles, critics tracing these back to Redknapp’s generally well-regarded 1980s managerial tenure, when Man Yoo fell Cup victim at Dean Court. Debts multiplied. Redknapp boasted £848,000 transfer-profit (yes…a lot of money in those days). But wages turned that into £2.6m losses, a lot more money in those days. “The mess we are desperately trying to resolve,” said a club source, years later.

In 1997, Bournemouth became a ground-breaking supporter-owned club, 51% voting rights (the ‘golden share’) in a supporters’ ‘trust fund’ after they’d bought Bournemouth out of £5m receivership. But even if supporters’ mistakes came with the noblest intentions, they remained mistakes. By 2005, Bournemouth were £5m light again and had to sell assets, including a three-parts refurbished Dean Court (that’s when the money ran out), sold to property firm Structadene and rented back at…eek!…£300,000 p.a.

Bournemouth’s latest saga began in March 2007 when local businessmen Jeff Mostyn and Steve oooh-change-that-name Sly gained a controlling interest via a £750,000 share-purchase plan, enthusiastically backed by shareholders at an EGM. The Supporters Trust transferred their ‘golden share’ on the basis of this investment. A mistake, as we’ll see.

Despite considerable financial assistance, from Mostyn especially, it was always a case of when Bournemouth would file for administration, not if. Three ‘notices of intention’ were issued, protecting them from creditors’ attempts to get their money back, while new finances were sought. But, two months ago, HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) issued a winding-up petition to reclaim £644,000 tax and £344,000 VAT.

HMRC had taken a hard-line with football clubs since losing ’secured creditor status’ – their right to full repayment – in 2003 (some phenomenally-paid players, often the root cause of administration in the first place, get their money by right, taxpayers have to make do with bits of what’s left…no, me neither). The hard-line was reinforced after losing £6m+ through Bates’ Leeds United manoeuvrings. This petition couldn’t succeed because of Bournemouth’s third ‘notice of intention’, filed when HMRC weren’t looking. But no new investment emerged, so Bournemouth entered administration anyway.

Like HMRC needed Leeds reminders, Elland Road ex-chairman and insolvency expert Gerald Krasner became joint-administrator alongside Julie Palmer, representative of ‘business recovery specialists’ Begbies Traynor. Palmer could have conducted business semi-naked (not topless, neither) and still been the low-profile one. Krasner introduced himself thus: “If somebody thinks they’re buying Bournemouth for £2, they don’t know me.” Everybody soon would.

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SOUTH OF HEAVEN

Remarkably, Rupert Lowe could soon be an EX-former Southampton chairman, thanks to the ego-drive that has been primarily responsible for Saints’ fall from top-flight regulars to potential league opponents of Rochdale.

Comedian Harry Hill once said: “You can always tell someone’s personality by what they’re like.” Which is why you can tell that Lowe is an arrogant tosser. It could just be a class-thing, though - he is very ‘Rupert’ indeed. Because there are far worse people in football (see last week’s column). Lowe has his sycophants in the press but he does give them something to work with. Yet the fact that he could be welcomed back to Southampton’s chair is the ultimate indictment of all who have been in charge since.

Since Lowe resigned in June 2006, “in the club’s best interests” (and not because his unpopularity and the value of his shares were rising equally fast), new, external, significant investment has been seen as the way forward for Saints. They missed out on immediate promotion after their 2005 relegation (both events under Lowe’s stewardship). So they will soon be bereft of the parachute payments relegated clubs receive in acknowledgement of the ludicrous financial disparity between levels one and two of English league football (only acknowledgement of the disparity, not its ludicrousness). And they’re desperate to avoid the fate of Leicester City and others when their parachutes failed.

Kia Joorabchian’s reported interest in Southampton in January was one of many which got stuck at ‘reported.’ “Wealthy Saints fans”, and former BBC chairmen, Gavyn Davies and Anthony Salz were ‘stand-out’ names on the long list of people connected with Saints takeover bids. Salz also had lengthy service in the City at the same firm of corporate lawyers, Freshfields Bruckhaus Deringer, which spawned current Newcastle chairman Chris Mort.

But his connection wasn’t ‘proven’ until he sat next to Saints’ then chairman Leon Crouch when Southampton played Palace at Selhurst Park. He’d already been connected to the vacant post of Saints PLC chairman – Southampton mismanaged by two seemingly interchangeable boards of directors. And he’d been part of a consortium, with Davies and a “hello, good evening and welcome” from Sir David Frost, which had previously shown an interest in the club. But it emerged that Salz was merely “using his vast City contacts” to put potential investors Crouch’s way. And whether through Salz’s vast contacts or not, a number of potential investors started coming Crouch’s way.

A financial stake in Britain’s cinemas and theatres briefly seemed a necessary prerequisite. Former Apollo Leisure Group owner Paul Gregg was linked to Saints in early February. But he’s been serially-linked to football clubs for years – Sheffield Wednesday fans could tell you a tale. And it soon transpired that he was merely introducing another ‘potential’ investor, Leicester Square Empire owner Tom Anderson.

Irishman Anderson was reportedly close to buying the 25% shareholding controlled, though not entirely owned, by Lowe. Lowe’s supporters are a compliant enough bunch to let him sell their shares as well as vote with them – if the meek ever do inherit the earth, they’ll be property billionaires. And the deal was being brokered by Tom McLaughlin, who’d been connected to Southampton’s 2007 world wild goose chasing record attempt, their pursuit of Microsoft co-owner Paul Allen’s mythical interest.

By the time the ‘Irish Post’ was trumpeting another meal for the Celtic Tiger – “Yet another Irish businessman is set to take control of a British football club”, making a grand total of…um…three – the non-story had moved back to Hampshire. “No takeover bid for Saints” ran the irony-free headline as Southampton-based barrister Jonathan Fulthorpe and local businessman John Cousins teamed-up to produce…”neither a firm nor an indicative offer,” alongside ex-Saints boss Dave Merrington, connected to the bid by his words, “no comment”.

It was a wonder we hadn’t seen statements issued announcing connections between the thigh bone and the knee bone. The whole farrago was expertly encapsulated by one Saints fan, writing on a local newspaper discussion forum, who’d heard “takeover rumours when I was driving along the M27…and then it happened…I was overtaken.” While another remarked: “If we had a point for every takeover story, we’d be safe.” Play-offs, more like.

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PERCEIVED DEGREES OF GRAVITAS

It’s been April 1^st for a fortnight at Mansfield Town. Even by the standards of owner Keith Haslam’s 15-year tenure, it’s been nuts.

When we last visited, Haslam was meeting, greeting…and rejecting takeover bids from around the world, brokered by accountant Stephen Booth, appointed by Haslam to be the rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights as deal-upon-deal broke down.

Nonetheless, most observers thought the saga was coming to an end of sorts last month. One of many ‘would-be’ Mansfield owners looked set to lose the ‘would-be.’ Mansfield chairman James Derry and Sydney businessman Steve Dolheguy, rival bidders last autumn, hammered out a deal with Haslam after Christmas. However, Dolheguy’s backers withdrew very late.

Wisely, at the time, Booth persuaded Derry to launch a press-conference appeal for replacement backers for the already-agreed deal, asking local business to back their local club…for local people.

Reinforcing suspicions that he was Haslam’s mouthpiece, Booth blamed “the ubiquitous Australians” for the breakdown, rather than the by-now traditional last-minute ‘change of heart’ from Haslam. “The Australian side was never going to happen” he sneered, on mic, Derry straightaway spluttering that Dolheguy wouldn’t have spent three Australian summer days in Mansfield if he hadn’t been serious. And Dolheguy himself emphasised his continuing interest, if he could find new backers.

The press conference worked. Mansfield-born Steve Hymas, owner of Mansfield-based Hymas Homes and genuine, if occasional, fan since he was five (“my Dad was a season-ticket holder”) had been part of Derry’s 2007 consortium. And the pair were joined by shirt-sponsor Andy Sutton, owner of Mansfield-based A. Sutton Pipelines (where do they get the names?).

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THOSE NEARLY, NEARLY GLORY, GLORY DAYS

Some statistics are damned truths. And Tottenham Hotspur being comfortably the highest-placed club in the Deloitte Football Money League never to reach the Champions League is as damning as they come.

Those running Tottenham in recent years might regard Spurs’ 11^th place in that league as a badge of honour – possibly more than an equivalently-exalted Premier League position. Which is as big a part of Spurs’ problem as the enduring but misguided belief that Michael Dawson is any good.

These days, it isn’t just Alan Sugar struggling to recall “the double.” Kids of today (and some adults) think it’s something Arsenal win from time-to-time and something which doesn’t really concern Spurs. And they’re right. Spurs’ glory days are strictly black & white telly, with only cups to keep the faithful happy since. And until recent victory over a mercifully Joe Cole-free Chelsea, even they’d dried up.

The headlines were ‘first trophy in nine years’ (and am I alone in thinking a late Allan Nielsen winner against Leicester barely counts?). But it’s only their third in twenty-four, since Tony Parks saved Anderlecht’s last kick almost at the taker’s feet in the UEFA Cup Final penalty shoot-out.

So much under-achievement made it difficult having Alan Gilzean as a childhood hero. Or having the programme whipped from your hand by Ralph Coates’ comb-over as he ‘sped’ past – all in lieu of memories of actual league titles. And even though current owners English National Investment Company (ENIC) installed “the king of White Hart Lane” as manager early in their tenure (Glen Hoddle, younger readers may be astonished to learn), signs that they could instigate a Spurs breakthrough, or even that they had a clue, have been long in coming.

It’s another sign of football’s brave new world that America’s latest ‘biggest-ever’ financial crisis, the collapse of investment bank Bear Sterns, should garner sportspage column inches. ENIC’s owner, one-time currency dealer Joe Lewis, spent most of 2007 buying Bear Sterns shares at ever-decreasing prices, waiting for the inevitable upturn which never turned up and now forced to sell at the most decreased price of all.

There’s puzzlement in financial circles at Lewis making such a big mistake so often. He’s lost $1billion, though he has $4billion left, so put the collection tins away. But Spurs aren’t, yet, directly troubled. Apart from ENIC underwriting a 2004 share issue, Spurs have operated independently of Lewis’s fortune. And Lewis’s people quickly emphasised that his Tavistock business empire, including Spurs, was unaffected.

However, Lewis appears desperate to claw back as many of his multi-millions as possible. And, as Private Eye noted with its usual perception: “Tottenham may be more saleable than 8,000 acres of Florida.” Just when ENIC looked like getting it right after all these years.

When Lewis and, more prominently, current Spurs chairman Daniel Levy spoke of their “excitement” at getting involved in football late last decade, “the experiment was purely the gamble to earn millions” (Tom Bower, Broken Dreams). However, though football was sport’s “biggest money-spinner” (Levy), ENIC’s gamble, building a pan-European portfolio of clubs, foundered on UEFA’s ‘common ownership’ regulations, seen as preventing unwanted ‘conflicts of interest.

Spurs were ENIC’s English choice, the last club with which they got involved and, alongside a fast-decreasing interest in Slavia Prague (to the extent that UEFA allowed Slavia to meet Spurs in the last two UEFA Cups) are the last remnants of this pan-European portfolio.

ENIC had critics from almost day one at Tottenham. Speaking from apparently bitter personal experience, AEK Athens chairman Cornelius Sierhus warned: “Investment of ENIC in Tottenham does not bode well.” And with the team discovering that none of Hoddle’s class as a player had transferred to Hoddle the manager, ENIC were a target long before an embarrassing Stock Exchange announcement of the afore-mentioned share issue.

Part of ENIC’s sales pitch was Spurs being “still in the FA Cup, drawn to play Crystal Palace in the third round” shockingly ignorant of Spurs only joining the Cup at that stage. Perhaps ENIC knew how bad Palace were and that a fourth round place was virtually assured. But perhaps not.

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COURT SHORTS

The phrase “it’s obvious what’s going on” has no legal force. And nor should it, though this government’s next Criminal Justice Bill could always change that, despite some of the convincing (he says modestly) arguments below. If it had legal force when applied to football’s frequent contemporary court appearances, a lot of time – and a lot of the money which dominates modern football, would be saved.

“Let the courts do their job,” wrote the Telegraph’s Patrick Barclay in a plea for justice in the re-emerging Carlos Tevez ‘affair.’ However, sleuth journalist Andrew Jennings pointedly referred to “investigators citing, off-the-record, evidence that isn’t good enough to bring to court” in reports on the current Swiss court case ‘involving’ FIFA. Evidence that not only Jennings would consider ‘obvious.’ Just as it’s ‘obvious’ that West Ham never fully-owned Tevez, not least because of the ultimate destination of Tevez’s multi-million transfer fee. Which won’t be the Boleyn Ground, Green Street, London E13 9AZ, you can be assured.

There’s plenty of ‘obvious’ in Zug, Switzerland, where bankrupt sports marketing company International Sports and Leisure (ISL) admit paying “personal commissions” (bribes) to sports officials in return for broadcasting rights, amazingly legal in Switzerland at the time, 1988 to 2001. FIFA instigated an investigation when they discovered £22m owed to them by Brazilian TV station O Globo had gone missing. However, when investigators discovered the destination of some of their money, FIFA did a handbrake turn, saying “we’ll look for it ourselves” via a civil court case which has yet to materialise.

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THE CUP RUNNETH OVER

It was an emotional night. But Barnsley’s defeat of Chelsea was not, as Motson said at the time, “the greatest cup shock of all-time.” Motty had a mixed night, calling the goal superbly, the final whistle less so (“the reasons for quittin’ getting bigger each day” as Willie Nelson once sang) - his rationale, “what with Chelsea’s millions”, as appalling as those who believe football was invented in 1992.

Glorious though they were, Barnsley are ONE division below Chelsea. The biggest ‘one’ division ever. But bigger than Sutton and Coventry? Wimbledon drawing AT reigning champions Leeds – who were robbed in that season’s European Cup Final – having won AT First Division Burnley?

Wrexham and Arsenal? Lee Dixon wasn’t making the comparison. Worcester City and Liverpool? Tom Hicks would be insulted…if he cared. Motty commentated on Hereford/Newcastle ferchrissakes!

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PRESS TO PLAY

Criticise journalists at your peril, even if you are one. Guardian scribe Nick Davies’ book ‘Flat Earth News’ drew accusations from rank hypocrisy to treachery for suggesting that journalism was over-reliant on PR and sensationalism – describing the transfer of press releases into news as “churnalism.”

Meanwhile, relatively un-reported, Man Yoo’s communication’s director Phil Townsend lambasted fellow sports-hacks for “exaggerating…the most minor” Old Trafford stories and writing about United “every day (when) there isn’t a story every day”, concluding “impact is more important than facts.”

Pots and kettles went flying in response - Townsend’s own attempts to portray Man Yoo’s accounts as justification for the Glazers had produced the most furious spinning outside Muttiah Muralitharan’s test-career. Barry Newcombe, Sports Journalists’ Association chair, pinpointed one manager “picking and choosing who he speaks to…boycotting a broadcaster which pays public money to cover (them.)” Guess who.

BBC sports editor Mihir Bose cited the twin-terrors of control and profit hindering journalists: “All sports governing bodies have realised they have a product. They want to control it and realise money. (Information) is becoming a business proposition.”

Football is deemed especially guilty, comparing unfavourably with gridiron’s dressing-room access (“no flak, no spokesmen, no assistant managers” – Newcombe, on about Sir you-know-who again). Even rugby “offers daily access to players”, not necessarily a good thing – imagine daily access to Ashley Cole.

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