THE MONEY PROGRAMME

Many years ago, Ben Elton was funny. No, really. But he’d often have difficulty coming up with topical political material for Channel Four’s weekly ‘Friday Night Live’ programme. Then, salvation: “Edwina Currie opens her mouth.” Football writers must feel the same about Richard Scudamore.

In Scoo’s latest Premier League (PL) paean, in the ‘Observer’, he was such an irony-free zone that you wonder why American club owners want him replaced with one of their own.

The “all-English” Champions League final was “testament to the strength of the PL”, rather than testament to the rule change which made such an event impossible until 1998. PL clubs are “financially strong” when Fulham and West Ham are a relegation away from near-oblivion, when their collective debt is over TWO BILLION POUNDS and collective pre-tax losses were FIFTY MILLION POUNDS last year.

And, best of all, “Every pound earned centrally has a redistributive effect (which) makes it imperative that we act on a league-wide basis…against short-term factors (which) mean a small group of clubs seek to alter the dynamics of the league.” You couldn’t get a more cogent argument against the PL’s very formation in 1992.

He then lectures on “sustainable and responsible” behaviour. How billions of collective debt and evermore £100,000-per-week players is “sustainable and responsible” isn’t clear. A newspaper recently reported a rock star blowing £150,000 on cocaine over three years – a week’s wages to Frank Lampard. About which are we supposed to be more horrified?

It all knocked Chelsea’s Peter Kenyon and his “our rivals should get their houses in order” call off the top of the “Did he say that out loud?” charts. And it comfortably over-hauled Ronaldo’s ‘slavery’ nonsense & every word that comes from the mouth of Blatter.

The latter two can be disregarded. Ronaldo’s a brat and Blatter’s problems aren’t yet legally safe to detail. Kenyon, though, is chief executive of a club for whom £77m losses are an improvement…and he’s lecturing clubs on orderly houses? How can he NOT see his crass stupidity? And this warped outlook comes from someone with considerable financial responsibilities. Why does he still have those responsibilities?

The PL is all about money like the Iraq war is all about oil. But when the Indie’s Mark Steel wrote “club chairmen should declare how rich they are and the league table should be based on the results”, you could almost see Kenyon nodding approvingly before letting out an unconvincing “oh, very funny.”

The PL’s moral bankruptcy was highlighted by the case of Mark Clattenburg, the unfeasibly old-looking 33-year-old referee. A £60,000 debt pre-dating his refereeing career emerged recently. Ex-business associate John Hepworth demanded the money after Clattenburg’s electrical retail company went bust.

Clattenburg was suspended as he was contractually obliged to declare this to refereeing body Professional Group Match Officials (PGMO). Should the situation not impinge on Clattenburg’s refereeing, the suspension will be lifted. This may take time but football’s integrity will remain intact throughout.

Contrast this with the PL’s attitude to Manchester City owner Thaksin Shinawatra. Thaksin is currently on the run from the Thai authorities. Rather than face corruption charges – entirely separate and, some argue, more clear-cut than the human rights concerns expressed when he bought City – Thaksin fled to Britain.

Yet despite these charges, his frozen assets in Thailand, his wife’s conviction for tax evasion and three of his lawyers being convicted of trying to bribe a judge with cash in a cake box (classy), he remains ‘fit and proper’ to run City.

Yes, he’s innocent, as he’s not – yet - proven guilty. But he is materially and logistically hampered from running City according to the business plan he must have presented to pass the PL’s ‘fit and proper persons’ test (mustn’t he?). Hence the continuing stories of Thaksin having to borrow from former City chairman John Wardle to pay the wages.

Surely the FA is empowered to take the same action as the PGMO and surely they should. Yet an FA spokesperson said: “We would have to seek legal counsel to see what is reasonable and permissible.” Even if Thaksin is convicted. It was left unexplained what action would be unreasonable and impermissible for football’s governing body to take. And if Thaksin remains ‘fit and proper’, it begs the question “who isn’t?” It’s almost as if the FA has crawled to the PL so often that they’ve forgotten it’s their PL.

(Each professional league has its own ‘fit and proper persons test’ but each one is under the FA’s authority).

No wonder Scoo said: “There is nobody alive who understands where the FA’s job starts and ends and where our job starts and ends. I’ve been CE for ten years” (seems longer), “and I’m happy to say I don’t know how the relationship is supposed to work.” I’ll bet he’s happy. The confusion masks how he and PL owners are abusing that relationship, not least by allowing Thaksin ownership of one of their clubs.

Only Man Yoo, Arsenal and Spurs are profitable. And Man Yoo have a takeover to fund, Arsenal a stadium (and potential profits from the housing development on Highbury disappearing down the credit-crunch tubes) and Spurs’ profit is at the expense of credible title credentials.

Spurs will have more profit to count from Robbie Keane’s transfer. And while I’m an RK fan – he’s the first Keane to deliver in an Ireland shirt since Moss Keane from the early 70s rugby team, £20.3m for a 28-year-old is £3.3m too much.

Quite what Liverpool owners Laurel and Hardy were watching when Rafa spent THAT must have finished before Gareth Barry became available. Turning down a £12m loan from a fan to fund Barry’s purchase…and then not to buy him anyway…was an odd way to say “there’s no financial problem at Liverpool.” Though why were we surprised that they should mislead over their intentions towards the transfer? Hicks and Gillett lying? Never.

Villa board member General Charles C. Krulak wasn’t surprised, telling journos: “If you can’t suss out what happened there then you aren’t as smart as I think you are” (If you’ve won a purple heart, as General Charles C. has, nothing about England’s press fazes you, with the possible exception of Jeff Powell’s hair-do.

Krulak claimed owner Randy Lerner could spend £30m on a player at the drop of a hat providing the player “fitted into what we are doing and will take us where we want to go.” To which the proper answer is: “Go on, then.” And I’ve just the player for him too. Gareth Barry.

If you were to create two fictional American caricatures, you’d name them Randy Lerner and General Charles C. Krulak. And until now Lerner has attracted the cliché ‘too good to be true.’ He borrowed to buy the club but didn’t borrow from the club and he’s shown greater respect (i.e. some) for club traditions than compatriots further north-west. Yet, club executives have been flying out the Villa Park exit door. And Lerner has replaced most of them with…himself. Poor man-management or rampant ego…or both? And if Randy “never says no”, according to Krulak, why didn’t some of that £30m go towards an offer Gareth Barry couldn’t refuse?

Everton. Fifth last year, f****d this year. There’s no money to turn fifth into fourth. Beneath all the Kirby Stadium fuss, Everton have been borrowing furiously; up to a dozen loans, including two from Edinburgh’s ‘Adam and Company’, a ‘boutique bank’ (small private banks with specialist clientele, including, it would seem, f****d football clubs). Another loan has been taken out against future TV income, another one still against “future season-ticket and matchday-ticket sales.” Straight from the Peter Ridsdale Business School. If Everton aren’t careful, the future’s Ken Bates.

Blackburn’s search for new ownership and investment isn’t time-critical, which is just as well. Current owners, the Jack Walker Trust, have been looking to sell since last summer and threatened to stop their annual £3m funding of the club - it says much about football’s financial mayhem that £3m-per-year seems such chicken-feed now. Significant investment has proved elusive. US-based genuine fan Daniel Williams was on the brink of a ‘£67m buy-out’ from June last year to January this but never quite made it. JJB sports-supremo Chris Ronnie and Manchester-based property developer Nabeel Chowdery followed suit, leaving manager Mark Hughes to seek guaranteed transfer funds at Manchester City. Ooops. Financiers Rothschild, hired by the Trust to seek new investment, are still seeking.

The chaos at Newcastle almost seems deliberate. Even ITV Drama would baulk at commissioning a plot this far-fetched. Mike Ashley is saying he needs financial help running Newcastle, having cleared debts and seen his firm Sports Direct’s share price continue to travel south. And tucked away in newspaper business pages was news that Sports Direct was suing management services company Capita, although neither company knew why. Ashley needs more than just financial help.

“Financially strong” says Scoo of all the above. The man’s a clown.

What’s that? “What about the football?” Oh…that’ll be horrendous.

‘MotorMurph’ is written by Mark Murphy

Entry Filed under: MotorMurph Column

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